A Mad Zombie Party, стр. 42

And Frosty saw it, too.

Oh...no, no, no. He knows my deepest, darkest secret now. He’ll treat me differently. He’ll feel sorry for me. But I don’t want his pity. Yes, I’ve suffered. But we’ve all suffered.

“I didn’t... I don’t... Milla, I’m so sorry.”

That. I don’t want that. He owes me nothing. I owe him everything.

I turn away, not wanting him to see the emotion in my eyes—or the fresh flood of tears.

I suppose I should be glad that I saw into his past, the way he saw into mine. The very moments that define the people we are today. And maybe I would be glad, if I’d seen something else. But Kat’s death? Feeling his desperation and pain? His unending agony? Agony I helped cause. No. Guilt eats me up, the bites bigger than ever before.

The knock comes again, and River steps inside the room. I’m emotionally raw right now, and seeing him pushes me over the edge. The tears trickle down my cheeks, burning my skin.

“You guys have been quiet for a while.” He looks between us and frowns. “What’s going on?”

Frosty shakes his head and backs out of the room. He kicks the door shut behind him, the loud thud jolting me. I stumble back as if pushed, my knees catching on the mattress. I land, bouncing up and down until finally stilling.

“Milla.” River strides across the room to crouch in front of me. “What happened? Talk to me.”

I begin to shake. “I didn’t...I didn’t know Anima would do what they did. I thought they would do as promised and sneak in, grab Ali and leave. But that’s no excuse. I’m at fault. I knew Anima lied and tricked. I should have been prepared. I should have double-crossed them. But I didn’t, and I ended up hurting Frosty so deeply he’ll never recover. I took the most precious part of his life, the treasure he cherished above all others, and I’m a horrible person.”

Torment ravages my brother’s eyes. “Milla, don’t do this to yourself. You can’t—”

A sob splits my lips, and I fall against his chest. After that, the sobs just keep coming, until I’m practically dry heaving. I am a horrible person, and these new abilities are my final punishment. Exactly what I deserve.

“I’ve been following you off and on for weeks,” River admits when I at last go quiet.

A few times I’d felt someone was watching me, but... “If that’s true, why didn’t you help me the night hordes of zombies attacked me? I would have died if Frosty hadn’t stepped in.”

He closes his eyes for a moment. “That was one of my nights off, and I’m sorry for it. I had no idea—” He goes quiet, as if he can’t bear to finish.

So...who had watched me that night? Tiffany?

“I love you,” he says, “and I couldn’t stay away. Even as furious as I was, I couldn’t not check on you. I know you only did what you did because you love me, too, and you hoped to protect me the way we failed to protect Caro.” He strokes a hand down my back, the way he used to do when we were children, gentle, so gentle, always careful of my bruises. “You’re carrying a lot of blame around. What you did for me. Kat. Even Caro. But it’s time for you to let everything go.”

I’m so tired I shake my head in negation rather than voice a response. Letting go of the guilt won’t do me a bit of good. It has claws, and they’re buried deep in my heart.

“Seeing you covered in blood... I remembered how quickly life can be snuffed out. I don’t want to waste another moment apart from you. I forgive you for working with Anima. All right?” His arms tighten around me, and he kisses my temple. “I’ve missed you. I’ve cursed myself for sending you away. I’ve hated myself, and yelled at everyone else. And you know how I feel about losing my temper.”

Yes. Like me, he would rather lose a limb than act like our father.

“I want you to come back with me,” he says. “There will be problems at first, but we’ll get through them together.”

I shake my head, adamant. No way I’ll put his crew at risk. And his reign in jeopardy.

“Milla,” he says, “I talked to Ali, and I know you’re scared about the new ability, but if you do nothing, you’ll always be scared and you’ll always be a danger to those around you. You have to learn how to use it to your advantage.”

I give another shake of my head, but this time, I’m not as confident.

“You know I’m right,” River continues. “If you don’t control your emotions, your ability—your whatever, just go ahead and fill in the blank—they’ll control you.”

“Damn you,” I whisper, finally finding my voice. He’s right. I have to do this. I have to learn control, or I will be controlled. There’s no middle ground. “You never give up, do you?”

“A trait we share.” He smiles fondly. “Don’t worry. I’ll come up with a way for you to practice without putting anyone in danger. I swear it.”

“I can’t imagine a scenario where that’s possible.”

“Just give me time to think. Despite rumors, I’m only a man, not a god.”

“Rumors suggest you’re a devil, but fine. Okay. Take a few days.”

“And then we’ll go home—”

“No. I’m staying here.” I won’t be an anchor around his neck, dragging him down. No matter how much I miss him. “I promised Kat I’d guard Frosty, and I will keep my word.”

I might have thought about abandoning ship, but once I calmed down, I would have come back. I see that now.

River rubs his knuckles into the crown of my head until I bat his arm away. “How about a bit of good news?”

“Yes, please.”

“We caught the girl. Tiffany. She’s locked up in the basement.”

A thousand emotions hit me at once. Rage—the one who tried to murder me is here. Satisfaction—I can hurt her, like for like. Sadness. I don’t know why. Relief. Hope.

“I want to be the first one to talk to her.” I clutch the sleeves of his shirt. “Okay? All right?” The wrong interrogation technique could cause her to clam up. “Will you make sure? I just... I’m not ready to deal. Not right now.” I’m still too raw.

“I’ll make sure,” he says with a nod.

Cole bursts into the room, his features dark with concern. “Your panic attack has to wait. Bronx was out on patrol, found a zombie and let himself be bitten. But the toxin wasn’t cleansed and Bronx didn’t recover on his own. Love was with him and tried to heal him, but she couldn’t summon dynamis. Now there are more zombies. We need everyone out there, and we need massive amounts of the antidote. Now.”

“Go.” I give River a little push. “I’ll be here when you get back.”

Cole’s freaky violet eyes lock on me. “You’re on your feet. You’re coming, too.”

At my apartment, I drink and I pace. No matter how much alcohol I pour down the hatch, no matter how many times I stomp my feet into the carpet, I can’t block the memory of Milla’s beating. She was covered in blood and bruises, different parts of her face swollen, her wrist bent back at an odd angle. A bone in her leg peeking through skin. I’d felt her pain, her all-consuming despair. I’d heard her thoughts. Beatings were a way of life for her and her siblings.

Whatever ill feelings I still harbored toward her died a swift death today, bludgeoned with a baseball bat, just like Milla herself. Resentment no longer clouds my thoughts, and I see the truth. She’s been hurt enough. I want to comfort her, not hurt her—never hurt her—and I want her to comfort me. I’m unmanned. And I get it now. Of course she helped Anima when her brother was threatened. He was all she had left. Her only family. Her hero.

How did we have visions of the past? Why?

I throw the bottle of whiskey against the wall, glass shattering in every direction. I stop, just stop, and sink to the floor, my back pressed against the couch.