The Dead House, стр. 44
They wouldn’t want you to be sad.
Carly to Kaitlyn, 29 August 2003, Claydon
I can’t stop crying. I miss them. I totally took them for granted. Having no one believe us is so much harder than they said it might ever be. I understand why they told us to keep it a secret. This is hard, Kaitie. I can’t do this without them.
Talking about London makes me feel like there’s hope. We have a life waiting for us. We just need to get there, I guess. In London, our apartment will be open plan, no barriers. We’ll get a cat and call her Freedom. You’ll have a room just for all your books, and I’ll have a little place to study. We can each go and see the same film on the same day and talk about it. I want that, Kaybear. I want our life to start. But this place… it gets to me sometimes. Dr. Lansing gets to me sometimes.
Kaitlyn to Carly, 29 August 2003, Claydon
Screw Lansing. She doesn’t know us. A cat called Freedom. It’s a promise.
Kaitlyn to Carly, 22 July 2002
I know you’re pissed at me, but I wanted to keep him to myself for a while. I’m sorry, C, but you have school, and you have some friends (yes, you do!), and I just wanted a friend of my own. His name is the Viking, and he is the tallest, biggest boy I have ever seen! I think you’d like him; he’s really funny. And honest. We met in town, and he’s a child of the dark, just like me. Well, not really like me. He has insomnia. I’m sorry I upset you. I didn’t mean to make you angry. Do you want to meet him?
Carly to Kaitlyn, 23 July 2002
I think I was in shock. Mostly. You just dropped this mention of a random guy, and you made it sound like you’d known him forever. How long have you known him? Does he know about us? The truth? Are you, like, dating him? That’s totally fine, but if you’re going to… you know… um, could you give me a bit of warning? You know I hate surprises, and that would be a big one. How is this going to work? I wish I could talk to you. I feel nervous. Do you love him? How will that work? It’s kind of… weird. What if he doesn’t like me?
Kaitlyn to Carly, 23 July 2002
He’s just a friend. I promise. My only friend, apart from you. You said I should meet people. I wasn’t going to do anything. I would never do anything like that, Carly. Don’t be nervous. He’s just a friend. Barely even that. You are the most important thing to me, okay? That will never change.
72 30 days until the incident
Diary of Kaitlyn Johnson
Monday, 3 January 2005, 2:12 am
Forgotten Garden
I’ve been sitting here for twenty minutes, trying to figure out how to write it down.
I never intended it to happen—I never meant to take this from Carly. DAMNIT. Does smacking my face into the wall make it better? No, because it’s Carly’s face. Carly’s hands and her legs, her heart. Her virginity too. I had no right. But I did it anyway.
She asked me to tell her if I ever—when I decided—if there was a chance—
She wanted warning.
How many times can I say I’m sorry, Dee? I’m sorry—I’m so sorry! But I’m happy—I’m happy, and I’m sorry, and I hate this so much!
I took Ari to the Forgotten Garden—on top of the old crypt, so sad and broken. I wanted to show him me, which is what the graveyard is. The remnant of something, like the husk of some exotic fruit once the bird has had its fill. The shadow on the wall of the flickering object.
Don’t look at me like that, Dee. Because you have no idea what I’m going through. Ari was… Ari is… the only thing I have. Now. The kiss was just as sweet, especially outside in the dark with the wind tickling our faces and the moisture in the air gifting tiny droplets on our skin, like uncanny tears. It was cold, which is so familiar, so safe. Like an old friend, Dee… you can understand that.
When his hands fell from my hair to run down my back and take in my thighs and then frantically up to my breasts—I was on fire. I crossed a line I never let myself cross when I haunted the streets of Chester. I don’t know why. Maybe because I could. Maybe because I had no choice—I was compelled. My dark nature brought me to it. I needed it.
Do you remember? That the thing I long for the most is breath on my neck, arms wrapped around me, telling me I’m wanted. Needed. Do you?
Ari knows me now, more than anyone. He’s seen the darkest side of me and he’s been me. And he’s not afraid. It was inevitable as soon as his lips fell on mine again, his hands on me—our bodies urging us forward like an unstoppable tide. Sure, it was sore, and I don’t know if you could call it “making love.” It was more like “falling alive.”
Ari and I had sex tonight.
Sex. God, I wrote it. Sex.
Thanks to me, Carly is no longer a virgin. I have a confession, Dee, and it’s so vile and disgusting that I’m retching as I write it. I think, in some subconscious and demeaning part of me, I was hoping that this would hurt her enough to make her come back. That she would be so repulsed and appalled and angry by what I had done to her that she would just tear her way back into our body, and I would suddenly, painfully, be complete.
Dee, I feel like I just raped Carly. I know—it’s stupid. But I feel like that. She didn’t give me her consent. I don’t know…
I’ve never felt more alive than I did in his arms. It was such an amazing thing… more wonderful than anything else I’ve ever experienced. And that just makes me feel even worse!
I can’t stop feeling Ari all over me. His lips on mine, his hands in my hair, his breath—harsh and full of passion—on my neck. The feeling of the stone crypt under my back, hard and moist and cold, like the Dead House, which I felt descending all around us.
From: RealxChick
To: AriHait558
Date: 3 January 2005
Subject: The Prisoner Finds Ink and Parchment
Naida supplied the caged bird with a little window. What do you think of it?
Confessional Girl
From: AriHait558
To: RealxChick
Date: 3 January 2005
Subject: Re: The Prisoner Finds Ink and Parchment
I am beyond ecstatic that Rapunzel has found her window. That the muse has been released. I am nothing without you, Caged Beauty.
From: RealxChick
To: AriHait558
Date: 3 January 2005
Subject: Our Secret
I can’t stop thinking about… our secret. Did that really happen only a few hours ago? Did I dream it? I don’t know what’s real anymore.
Confused, alone, needing you.
From: AriHait558
To: RealxChick
Date: 3 January 2005
Subject: Re: Our Secret
You’ll never be alone again. You have me.
It was real. It happened.
It was the best moment of my life.
Do you regret it?
From: RealxChick
To: AriHait558
Date: 3 January 2005
Subject: Re: Re: Our Secret