Hookah, стр. 38
“Just the butt, or do we have to pull down the pants?” the Pillar says, dodging punches from a bodyguard who seems to want to hit anyone he comes across.
“Just do it!” I jump on top of a table and kick a few guards in the face with the back of my umbrella.
A lost tea cup knocks me down a moment after. I summersault back on the floor. A few None Fu techniques come in handy now.
“Bravo, Alice!” The March claps his hands, a fraction of a second before a huge pie slams into him. He starts licking at it.
I watch the Pillar inject the Iranian president in the butt and suppress a laugh. If only I could take a snapshot of that moment. It looks hilarious. The Pillar looks embarrassed that he did it. But the consequences are amazing. A smile on the president’s face, trying to calm everyone down and listening to the sound of reason.
However, there is this reporter from outside still tailing me. “Didn’t you say Bonkerstan has a cure?”
No time to explain now. I sprint on top of the tables and reach for the Queen of Hearts. If I could only get my hands on her, I’d inject her right away.
But she rewards me with a back hand like a professional tennis player. I stagger back, birds twittering around me.
On the floor, I see the Pillar trying to get hold of the American president. But it seems the president is fixated on throwing saucers at the Queen of Hearts. I wonder how this will look like in tomorrow’s headlines.
They’re so close. It’ll only be seconds before this fight turns physical.
The TV is broadcasting.
“I’m close to getting him, Alice,” the Pillar says. “You close in on the Queen from the back, and we’ll do’em both in one move.”
The TV reporter tailing me doesn’t like the sound of that at all.
I prop myself up and jump on the Queen, knocking her to the ground. The broadcasting crew is already shocked by my move—as if none of what’s going on around them is shocking.
I look as if I’m strangling the Queen, who only chirps one sentence, off with her head!
Once I get hold of her, I realize the Pillar is gripping the American president as well.
“Time to save the world.” The Pillar snickers, bending the president over as if he is going to punish him for being bad by slapping his butt.
Saying it looks surreal is an understatement. I can’t believe this is happening.
In one move, the Pillar and I inject the American president and the Queen of England with the syringes in their butts with grins of victory on our faces.
“Yes!” the Pillar says.
Turning my head, the reporter tailing me is dangling her tongue like a Mushroomer. Behind her, the camera crew have this unexplainable expression on their faces. They don’t know whether to laugh hysterically or cry.
Chapter 100
“Is that Alice sticking her hands in the Queen’s...?” Tom Truckle stood speechless staring at them.
“It’s your fault if you ask me.” The Cheshire, still posing as Jack, cops a laugh. “You’re the one who let her out of the asylum.”
“But even if she is the craziest of the crazy, why would she do that?” Of course Tom knew this wasn’t the Queen of England but the Queen of Hearts. He’d thought that last week’s events at the Event were the craziest he’d ever experience, but this topped that a million times. “I really could use my pills now.”
“I see you gulp a lot of those,” the Cheshire commented. “Are they good?”
“I don’t even know. I just take them to stay sane in this world gone mad.”
“Do they have a name? I could buy me some.”
“You won’t find them anywhere. They’re called Lullaby.”
Chapter 101
Parking Lot, UN Headquarters, Geneva, Switzerland
I leave the meeting hall looking for Carolus.
There is no need to stay in. Most of the presidents have been cured and are apologizing for what happened, talking world peace now—and of course what to do with the real plague that’s threatening the world.
I also left Fabiola trying to see if the March can cook more of this cure, although it’d be impossible to inject the whole population in their butts to save their lives.
Just a few feet out of the meeting hall, Carolus Ludovicus grins at me, although he still looks to be in pain.
“I was waiting for you,” he says.
“For me?” I am confused. Why would someone who I need to kill wait for me? But I have nothing to do but talk now. The sun behind me sets low, and I haven’t figured out how to kill him yet so I can save the world.
“I’ve been waiting for you for years, Alice.”
“Years?” I’m more and more confused.
“Since the first day I materialized into life. You have no idea how many headaches I had to give Lewis until he was weak enough to let me out into the world.”
“It’s a pretty hard concept to grasp, that you’re his darker side, I mean.”
“The Cheshire likes to say ‘we’re all mad here.’” He’s half circling me from a distance, his head tilted to the right a bit. “He is wrong. ‘We’re all schizophrenic here’ is the right phrase. Lewis is no different front the rest of us. Darkness lurks in all of us.”
“Don’t compliment yourself.” I’m still buying time. “You’re just a figment of your imagination.”
“Isn’t Jack the same?” His stare is piercing through me. “But you love Jack and don’t love me.”
“Don’t compare yourself to Jack. What do you really want?”
“I want what you want.”
“I don’t think so.” I slowly step closer to him. Maybe I need to lock him up somewhere until I figure out how to kill him. “You want to laugh at the world by showing them that they can’t handle the truth.”
“And isn’t it fun?”
“No it isn’t. If you want fun, go ride a roller coaster. Now, what do you really want? Why aren’t you running away from me when you know I’m the only who can kill Carroll’s split persona?”
“Why do you think I’m not running, Alice?” He dares me and slowly limps toward me.
This is strange. I don’t understand what’s going on.
“You think I made the March Hare cook this plague to end the world?”
“It’s a plausible assumption.” I’m not going to stop. I try not to be scared of him. It’s like playing tip-top, only waiting to see who will kill the other first.
“And why would I want to end the world?” He flaps his eyes sideways, and balloons start falling from the sky.
This is surreal. I never thought balloons could scare me this much.
“So explain it to me. You plague the world but still don’t want anyone to die. Either I’m mad or it’s you whose screws are loose.”
“None of us are mad, Alice.” Closer. “I created this plague for one reason—other than having fun by laughing at humans killing each other because of the truth, of course.”
“I have an asylum I have to go back to, so cut it short because I don’t have all night. Sleeping early is good for mad girls like me.”
“You want short? Okay.” He stops, his cheeks twitching against the pain. Maybe I don’t have to kill him at all. Maybe the migraine will. “I created this plague to find you.”
“You wanted to see me? Why not send an SMS?” I keep approaching.
“Because how do I know you’re the real Alice?”
Now I stop.
“I had to create an end of the world scenario because only the Real Alice would stand up to face me,” he says. “If you weren’t the Real Alice, you wouldn’t be standing here this very moment.”
There is a lump in my throat. “And why did you want to find me?”
Chapter 102
UN Headquarters, Geneva, Switzerland
Fabiola finally escaped the guards who caught her, thinking she was a terrorist. Funny how mad people think of you as mad once you cure them.
“Where is Alice?” She bumped into the Pillar.
“Outside. She’ll kill Carolus to stop the plague.”
“Something’s not right, Pillar. You have to save her. I mean save him.” She hit the Pillar in the chest.