Plain Tales from the Hills, стр. 19

But it is easier to see a Viceroy than to talk to him, unless you chance to be as important as Mellishe of Madras. He was a six-thousand-rupee man, so great that his daughters never «married.» They «contracted alliances.» He himself was not paid. He «received emoluments,» and his journeys about the country were «tours of observation.» His business was to stir up the people in Madras with a long pole — as you stir up stench in a pond — and the people had to come up out of their comfortable old ways and gasp — «This is Enlightenment and progress. Isn’t it fine!» Then they gave Mellishe statues and jasmine garlands, in the hope of getting rid of him.

Mellishe came up to Simla «to confer with the Viceroy.» That was one of his perquisites. The Viceroy knew nothing of Mellishe except that he was «one of those middle-class deities who seem necessary to the spiritual comfort of this Paradise of the Middle-classes,» and that, in all probability, he had «suggested, designed, founded, and endowed all the public institutions in Madras.» Which proves that His Excellency, though dreamy, had experience of the ways of six-thousand-rupee men.

Mellishe’s name was E. Mellishe and Mellish’s was E. S. Mellish, and they were both staying at the same hotel, and the Fate that looks after the Indian Empire ordained that Wonder should blunder and drop the final «e;» that the Chaprassi should help him, and that the note which ran: «Dear Mr. Mellish. — Can you set aside your other engagements and lunch with us at two to-morrow? His Excellency has an hour at your disposal then,» should be given to Mellish with the Fumigatory. He nearly wept with pride and delight, and at the appointed hour cantered off to Peterhoff, a big paper-bag full of the Fumigatory in his coat-tail pockets. He had his chance, and he meant to make the most of it. Mellishe of Madras had been so portentously solemn about his «conference,» that Wonder had arranged for a private tiffin — no A.-D. C.’s, no Wonder, no one but the Viceroy, who said plaintively that he feared being left alone with unmuzzled autocrats like the great Mellishe of Madras.

But his guest did not bore the Viceroy. On the contrary, he amused him. Mellish was nervously anxious to go straight to his Fumigatory, and talked at random until tiffin was over and His Excellency asked him to smoke. The Viceroy was pleased with Mellish because he did not talk «shop.»

As soon as the cheroots were lit, Mellish spoke like a man; beginning with his cholera-theory, reviewing his fifteen years’ «scientific labors,» the machinations of the «Simla Ring,» and the excellence of his Fumigatory, while the Viceroy watched him between half-shut eyes and thought: «Evidently, this is the wrong tiger; but it is an original animal.» Mellish’s hair was standing on end with excitement, and he stammered. He began groping in his coat-tails and, before the Viceroy knew what was about to happen, he had tipped a bagful of his powder into the big silver ash-tray.

«J-j-judge for yourself, Sir,» said Mellish. «Y’ Excellency shall judge for yourself! Absolutely infallible, on my honor.»

He plunged the lighted end of his cigar into the powder, which began to smoke like a volcano, and send up fat, greasy wreaths of copper-colored smoke. In five seconds the room was filled with a most pungent and sickening stench — a reek that took fierce hold of the trap of your windpipe and shut it. The powder then hissed and fizzed, and sent out blue and green sparks, and the smoke rose till you could neither see, nor breathe, nor gasp. Mellish, however, was used to it.

«Nitrate of strontia,» he shouted; «baryta, bone-meal, etcetera! Thousand cubic feet smoke per cubic inch. Not a germ could live — not a germ, Y’ Excellency!»

But His Excellency had fled, and was coughing at the foot of the stairs, while all Peterhoff hummed like a hive. Red Lancers came in, and the Head Chaprassi, who speaks English, came in, and mace-bearers came in, and ladies ran downstairs screaming «fire;» for the smoke was drifting through the house and oozing out of the windows, and bellying along the verandahs, and wreathing and writhing across the gardens. No one could enter the room where Mellish was lecturing on his Fumigatory, till that unspeakable powder had burned itself out.

Then an Aide-de-Camp, who desired the V. C., rushed through the rolling clouds and hauled Mellish into the hall. The Viceroy was prostrate with laughter, and could only waggle his hands feebly at Mellish, who was shaking a fresh bagful of powder at him.

«Glorious! Glorious!» sobbed his Excellency. «Not a germ, as you justly observe, could exist! I can swear it. A magnificent success!»

Then he laughed till the tears came, and Wonder, who had caught the real Mellishe snorting on the Mall, entered and was deeply shocked at the scene. But the Viceroy was delighted, because he saw that Wonder would presently depart. Mellish with the Fumigatory was also pleased, for he felt that he had smashed the Simla Medical «Ring.»

* * *

Few men could tell a story like His Excellency when he took the trouble, and the account of «my dear, good Wonder’s friend with the powder» went the round of Simla, and flippant folk made Wonder unhappy by their remarks.

But His Excellency told the tale once too often — for Wonder. As he meant to do. It was at a Seepee Picnic. Wonder was sitting just behind the Viceroy.

«And I really thought for a moment,» wound up His Excellency, «that my dear, good Wonder had hired an assassin to clear his way to the throne!»

Every one laughed; but there was a delicate subtinkle in the Viceroy’s tone which Wonder understood. He found that his health was giving way; and the Viceroy allowed him to go, and presented him with a flaming «character» for use at Home among big people.

«My fault entirely,» said His Excellency, in after seasons, with a twinkling in his eye. «My inconsistency must always have been distasteful to such a masterly man.»

KIDNAPPED

We are a high-caste and enlightened race, and infant-marriage is very shocking and the consequences are sometimes peculiar; but, nevertheless, the Hindu notion — which is the Continental notion — which is the aboriginal notion — of arranging marriages irrespective of the personal inclinations of the married, is sound. Think for a minute, and you will see that it must be so; unless, of course, you believe in «affinities.» In which case you had better not read this tale. How can a man who has never married; who cannot be trusted to pick up at sight a moderately sound horse; whose head is hot and upset with visions of domestic felicity, go about the choosing of a wife? He cannot see straight or think straight if he tries; and the same disadvantages exist in the case of a girl’s fancies. But when mature, married and discreet people arrange a match between a boy and a girl, they do it sensibly, with a view to the future, and the young couple live happily ever afterwards. As everybody knows.

Properly speaking, Government should establish a Matrimonial Department, efficiently officered, with a Jury of Matrons, a Judge of the Chief Court, a Senior Chaplain, and an Awful Warning, in the shape of a love-match that has gone wrong, chained to the trees in the courtyard. All marriages should be made through the Department, which might be subordinate to the Educational Department, under the same penalty as that attaching to the transfer of land without a stamped document. But Government won’t take suggestions. It pretends that it is too busy. However, I will put my notion on record, and explain the example that illustrates the theory.