Gold, стр. 65

Not from the kiss. The kiss was fine. But it was something else…

Guilt.

She had let Eric kiss her earlier. She had wanted that kiss. She had craved it. And now, she was here, kissing Cam, and it felt…wrong. Like she shouldn’t be doing it. She and Cam weren’t even official. They weren’t boyfriend and girlfriend. She should have no reason to feel guilty about what had happened. But she couldn’t help it.

She backed away into the door and fumbled for her keys. “I think I’m going to go to sleep,” she said into her purse. “I’m pretty exhausted.”

“Right,” he said. He looked down at the ground and then up at her uncomfortably. “Are you sure? I could come in and keep you company.”

“A different night. I’m just so tired.” She yawned for dramatic effect.

“Okay, Bri,” he said the name ironically. It didn’t fit right on his tongue. “Night.”

With that, he turned and walked away.

Then, there was this other weird emotion. Pain shot through her chest, and her stomach flipped uncomfortably. She felt her mouth go dry, and her head pounded. She bit her lip and thought about walking after him, but she didn’t.

Regret.

Goddamn it.

She turned the key into the lock and pushed her way into the apartment. But she couldn’t stop thinking about what had happened tonight. She couldn’t go to sleep like this. Not now. She changed into some more comfortable clothes and then went out to her car.

She didn’t know what she was going to say when she showed up, but she knew she needed to say something. She couldn’t leave it like that. There was so much unsaid. She sighed and drove across town.

She parked in front of his house. His car was in the driveway, and a light was on inside, so she knew he was home. She knocked twice, and when no one answered, she let herself in.

“Hello?”

The TV was on downstairs, but she didn’t see him. She heard the toilet flush in the bathroom, and then Eric walked out.

When he saw her, he stopped in his tracks. He was shirtless in nothing but a pair of basketball shorts. His hair was tousled, and he looked like he might have been sick, but he wasn’t drunk anymore. He’d sobered up.

“Bri?”

“Hey,” she said. She dropped her bag next to the couch and sat down. She tucked her feet up to her chest and leaned her head on her knees. “Do you think we could just sit for a minute?”

“Uh…yeah.” He walked over and plopped down on the other side of the couch. He rested back naturally. His eyes were on her, still disbelieving that she was in his house.

“I’m glad you made it home safely,” she murmured, looking at the floor.

“Gates talked me down. That was your doing?”

“Yeah.”

She sighed and met his gaze. Their eyes locked, and a million emotions crackled between them.

“Why are you here, Bri?”

She shrugged. “I wanted to check on you.”

“And?”

“I feel something,” she murmured. “Guilty.”

“You feel guilty?” he asked curiously.

“I shouldn’t have kissed you. I’m dating Cam.”

Eric’s face screwed up with disgust, and he looked away. “I don’t understand you. You’re dating, doing all of these normal things, living this new life, and you don’t want me in it.”

“I can’t seem to help having you in it. A year ago, you hated me, and now, I can’t seem to stop kissing you.”

“I didn’t hate you. I didn’t understand you. Similar to how I feel about what you’re doing now,” he said. “But about this kissing thing…”

“We can’t do it anymore.”

He shook his head and stood in a fury. “Just tell me what the fuck is wrong. Is it Audrey? Is it that you thought I lied to you? Are you scared? I was here for you all along. I deserve to know the real reason you keep pushing me away.”

She shook her head. “Please, don’t make me do this right now.”

“Then, when?” he yelled. “I got drunk and came to Posse to try to get your attention. You sic your ex-boyfriend on me and tell me to go home. What more can I do to show you that I care? Tell me how to fix this.” He reached down and hauled her up by her shoulders. “Tell me.”

“Nothing! There is nothing you can do to fix this. I just want the guilt gone, Eric.”

She couldn’t even meet his eyes. She didn’t know how to let him in. Before, it had been so easy, completely nonthreatening. And now, every time she let him in, she felt like she was breaking in half. Even worse, she wanted to break in half.

“I said I wouldn’t be one of those guys who fell at your feet. You’re just a girl, Bri. A beautiful, smart, funny, amazing girl but just a girl.” He stepped back. His eyes were dark and stormy. “I can’t keep this up. I can’t keep waiting for you to see what’s in front of your face. I know you too well, and I know that you’re lying to me and to yourself. You drove across town in the middle of the night after your new boyfriend dropped you off to come check on me? It’s not adding up.”

“I drove across town to check on my friend. He left, drunk off his ass, and I wanted to make sure he was home alive.”

Eric growled deep in his throat. “Don’t feed me bullshit, Bri. I’m not like everyone else, and you know it. I could see through your bullshit long before we were even friends. Don’t think you’re fooling me now.”

“I’m not trying to.”

“Yes, you are. You’re trying to fool everyone. You think this new you is somehow better. But I saw this side of you while you were still the head bitch of LV State. You don’t have to act with me.”

“I’m not acting!” she cried.

“You know what? Just get out. Go home. Go back to your guilt about kissing me even though I’d put money on the fact that it’s guilt over kissing him.” He walked to the door and threw it open. “Get out, and don’t come back until you can be honest with me. I promise not to see you again or try to convince you otherwise. Just get the fuck out of my house.”

Bryna gaped at him, but he didn’t look like he was going to budge.

“Fine,” she spat angrily.

And with nothing else that she could do, she walked out the door. He slammed it shut behind her, and she jumped at the force of it.

Eric was gone.

BRYNA WALKED THROUGH THE NEXT FEW DAYS in a hazy blur with a self-destructive streak she hadn’t encountered since she last saw Jude. She didn’t want to think about that night with Eric, yet she couldn’t stop thinking about it. It had spun completely out of control. She felt out of control, soaring through a vortex without hope of escape.

And it would only get worse when she saw Eric. Every day, he’d walk past her like nothing had happened. She understood his anger. She would have understood him ignoring her or giving her the cold shoulder. But he didn’t do that.

He was perfectly nice. Almost too nice. He didn’t tease her or flirt with her or try to convince her of anything. He acted as if nothing had ever existed between them. Nothing at all.

It was unbearable. She hadn’t known it would be.

Part of her dreaded those fake few seconds of his time, but then her heart would still skyrocket when he walked in the room.

Even worse…she was doing this to herself.

She could change it. All she had to do was swallow her pride and say something to Eric. But she didn’t know how. She wanted to make it better, to go back to the way they were, but she knew he wouldn’t be satisfied with that. They had crossed a line somewhere along the way, and then she had run headlong in the other direction. Fear paralyzed her.

“You’re drooling,” Stacia whispered.

“Am not.”

“Eric does look good today, B. But shouldn’t you be drooling over your boyfriend?”