Down London Road, стр. 26

… and this bitch had gone and done it.

With an animalistic cry of deep, gnawing rage, I flew at her. My body slammed hers against the counter, her head snapping back against the upper kitchen unit, and I took satisfaction in her wince of pain.

How does it feel? How does it FEEL?

My hand reached up to grip her loosely but threateningly by the throat and she stared into my face with round, appalled eyes.

I leaned into her, trembling from my reaction, shaking with betrayal.

Yes, betrayal.

She’d betrayed us for gin.

She’d betrayed me by hurting what I loved most.

I sought to catch my breath, my chest rising and falling rapidly, and I flexed my hand around her throat. ‘If you ever …’ I shook my head in disbelief. ‘If you ever touch Cole again … I will kill you.’ I pushed against her. ‘I will fucking kill you!’

Her eyes flared and she nodded rapidly, gulping in fear. I glared into her eyes, somehow unable to remove my hand from her throat.

I felt a touch on my arm. ‘Jo?’

Slowly but surely, the world came back to me and I shuddered, relaxing my grip as I turned to my left.

Cole stood at my side, the colour leached from his face, staring at me as if he’d never seen me before.

Oh, God.

I looked over his shoulder only to find Cam standing in the kitchen doorway, his expression grim.

Oh, God.

When I turned, Mum was cowering against the kitchen counter.

What am I doing?

Shame flooded me … and I ran.

I flew past Cole, pushed past Cam, ignoring him as he called out to me. Throwing myself out the door, I hurried down the stairs in my bare feet, not knowing where I was going, just knowing I had to get away from the person I’d just become in that kitchen.

Something gripped my arm, wrenching me to a stop.

Cam’s face blurred before me, and I pulled away from him, trying to escape, but his arms seemed to be everywhere. I struck out at him, grunting and swearing at him, and the more I struggled, the more soothing his voice became.

‘Cam, let me go,’ I pleaded, exhaustion draining the strength from my limbs. ‘Please.’ The sob broke before I could stop it, and then I was crying, my hard, pained, loud, tear-filled cries muffled quickly against his throat as he enfolded me in his warm arms.

I fell against him, letting him hold me, my tears soaking his T-shirt and his skin as his arms hugged me tight against him.

‘Let it out,’ he whispered comfortingly in my ear. ‘Let it out.’

11

In their own time my jagged tears stopped, and my breathing became easier as Cam’s body heat and strong embrace provided a balm against the pain I was in.

It occurred to me that I’d had an emotional breakdown in front of the one person in the world I hadn’t ever wanted to.

And he had been kind.

I pulled back, abruptly letting go of Cam, but his hands still clasped my upper arms lightly. Not quite able to meet his gaze yet, I looked to the left, and movement drew my attention. The gasp caught in my throat as I tilted my head up to find Cole standing on the stairs, deep lines furrowing his forehead and his eyes dark with concern.

Cam’s hands rubbed up and down my shoulders in a gesture of comfort and I could no longer avoid his gaze. Our eyes met and I felt overwhelmed with emotion.

Humiliation.

Shame.

Anger.

Gratitude.

Anxiety.

Fear.

‘I’m sorry,’ I mumbled, my eyes sliding back up to Cole. ‘I better take Cole inside.’

‘No.’

Surprised, I found my gaze drawn back to Cam. His expression was troubled but determined as he shook his head at me. ‘Come into my flat. I’ll make you some coffee.’

‘I have to talk to Cole.’ My little brother had witnessed my attack on our mother. I was terrified of what he must think of me, and I needed to somehow explain.

‘You can talk to Cole later. First you’re going to take a minute for yourself.’

I thought of Cole in the flat alone with Mum and my stomach flipped. ‘He’s not going back in there without me.’

‘Here.’ Cam finally let go of me so he could pull his wallet out of the back pocket of his jeans. I watched warily as he removed a twenty-pound note and held it up to Cole. ‘You think you could phone some pals to come and join you at a movie at the Omni Centre?’

Eyes pinning Cam in place, Cole took the stairs down to us with an air of authority that stunned me. Every day was another progression into manhood – especially days like this. When he reached Cam, his eyes were full of understanding and maturity, and he took the note carefully. ‘Aye, I can do that.’

‘But –’ My protest was cut off by Cole, who shook his head at me like a parent to his child. My mouth slammed shut more from surprise than anything else, and I watched with a mixture of pride and worry as he narrowed his eyes on Cam.

‘Can I trust you with her?’

Cam heaved a deep sigh, but he answered Cole as if he was speaking to a man on equal footing. ‘I know I deserve that, but I promise from now on I’ll treat your sister with the respect she deserves.’

I was truly dumbfounded by the exchange. The fact that I was already a shell-shocked mess didn’t make it any easier to understand what was passing between them, and it was probably why I allowed Cole to take money that I knew Cam must need and walk out of our building. That’s also why I let myself be manhandled into Cam’s flat.

His flat, like ours, was a rental, and although decorated in neutral colours it was definitely in need of a repaint. Cam’s furniture was practical and comfortable, with very little thought to style, except for his huge black suede couch and matching armchair. I found myself ushered to the couch and I sat down numbly, staring around at the space that was still cluttered with packing boxes.

‘Tea? Coffee?’

I shook my head. ‘Water, please.’

When Cam returned with a glass of water for me and a coffee for him, I watched him settle into the armchair just across from me and my heart began to gallop.

What was I doing here? Why was Cam being so nice all of a sudden? What did he want? I should get back up to the flat and face the consequences.

‘Jo.’ His deep, raspy voice brought my chin down. I’d been staring at the ceiling and hadn’t really even realized it. When I looked at Cam, I felt my body tense. His eyes were searching my face as if he was desperate to dive inside me and unearth all my secrets. My breath caught at the intensity of his look. ‘What the hell happened to your life, Jo? How did you get here?’

A bubble of bitter laughter escaped from my lips and I shook my head at him. I asked myself that question every day. ‘I don’t trust you, Cameron, so why would I tell you anything?’

Regret replaced his concern, and there was no denying the genuine remorse in his eyes. ‘That’s fair. And I can’t even begin to tell you how shit I feel about going off on you about Cole. He came down here to set me straight.’ He suddenly threw me a rueful grin that kicked my heart into high gear. ‘I swear I thought he was going to take a swing at me.’

That wasn’t particularly good news to my ears, which Cam must have sensed, because he grew sombre quickly. ‘You never have to worry about that kid being disappointed in you, Jo. He loves you to bits. And what we just witnessed in the kitchen – that’s nothing for you to be ashamed of. That was a mum protecting her kid. Because that’s what you are to him. More of a mum than a sister – I realize that now.’ He made a sound heavy with regret. ‘I feel awful about the way I spoke to you. I feel shit that you found out about your mum hitting Cole that way.’

My eyes dropped to the floor and I couldn’t speak. I couldn’t respond to his apology – partly because the ungracious side of me was thinking, Good. I’m glad you feel like shit.