Bend, стр. 60
He didn’t look at me for the last sentence, as if he couldn’t bear the shame. I didn’t blame him. I’d be ashamed too, if I had any.
“I’ll convince him I’m sane.”
Which meant I’d face charges. If I convinced him I was nuts, I’d be stuck in Westonwood with their no touching rule and scheduled meals. If I faced charges, would I get to see Deacon? Or would I just be out and arrested and as separate from him as I was in the hospital? Only he knew what happened. Only he could say what I’d done and hadn’t done.
Staying in, staring at a flat screen of flowers with bars on the windows between Deacon and me, wasn’t going to cut it. I had to take my chances with the real world, which meant no more tantrums. No more attacks on the doctor or anyone else. For the next two days, I would be a model citizen.
six.
“How was your morning?” Doctor Chapman—no, Elliot—asked. He had a tiny scratch on his left eyelid. Otherwise, he looked no worse for the wear.
“Fine,” I said. “Sorry about attacking you. I’m not usually like that.”
“You’re repressing a slew of emotions and memories. Stuff can only stay in lockdown so long.”
“Speaking of lockdown…” I curled my lip to the side. Elliot’s hands were folded in front of him, and his attention was fully on me. I didn’t know if anyone outside of Deacon had ever paid me such razor-sharp attention. “Is it even legal to have solitary confinement in a hospital?”
“I told Frances you needed an hour of restraints so you didn’t hurt yourself. I didn’t know how the tranq would affect you. Where did you get the idea of solitary?”
“She mentioned it. Like a threat. Not a fan of threats.”
“What about the thought of it scares you?” he asked.
“I didn’t say I was scared.”
“Okay. Why bring it up? I’m sure she told you plenty of rules. Why does that stick out?”
“Because it’s a legal issue.”
“Is it?”
“According to Amnesty International and a whole bunch of entities who think it’s wrong.”
“We’re a private institution serving a specific segment of society. We get some leeway,” he said.
“Meaning there’s enough money getting passed around that you can do what you want.”
“Money flows both ways. But if you need reassurances, and you might, it’s not something I’d sign off on for you.” He watched me, reading me, observing me like a thing in a cage.
I wiggled in my seat, as if that would throw him off, but it didn’t. The grip of his gaze only got tighter.
“You’re making me uncomfortable,” I said.
“You’re not here to be comfortable.”
How many times had Deacon said that when the backs of my knees bordered my face? Or when I didn’t sit right at breakfast and he straightened me out?
“I hear you’re a hardass,” I said.
“As long as you contribute to your treatment, you’ll have nothing negative to say about me. If you shut down or fail to participate fully, I will take note.”
“That’s hardassy.”
He smiled, and his face curved from chin to forehead. Somehow, those two words had either delighted him or thwarted his expectations. I didn’t know how to respond to his smile except to fidget and suppress my own grin.
“It’s the world outside your bubble, Fiona. What you call hardass, other people call real.”
“Where are you from, Doctor?”
“Elliot.”
“Elliot. Tough Loveland? Toobad City? A mile outside Hardscrabble?”
“Menlo Park.”
“Oh, sweet. Tech geek?” I asked.
“My dad actually knows how a microchip works. It’s fascinating and utterly boring at the same time. I ran as fast as I could.”
“To Los Angeles.”
I could imagine him on the train in the middle of the night, running from a world where people found practical applications for calculus. He’d fail as a writer/actor/musician and put himself through school as a therapist, finding a hidden talent, yet always yearning to spend his nights with that one creative task that fulfilled him.
“Pasadena,” he said.
“What’s in Pasadena?”
“I went to school there. Let’s get back to you.”
He was evading. It had been all over his face since he mentioned the city where his school was. Would he lie? Were therapists allowed to do that? I didn’t know if making our session about him would hurt my chances of release, but I wanted him to know if I could hold a conversation, act sane, function.
“Okay. Back to me,” I said. “I’ve been to Pasadena. I was screwing a skate kid who ollied the six sets at Cal Arts. Did we meet then?”
“No.”
“Pepperdine?”
“No.”
“Four Twenty College?” I mentioned the name of the pot school, where one could learn how to deal marijuana legally, with a lilt in my voice.
He took a deep breath then, as if resigned, said, “Fuller.”
“Fuller? That’s a seminary.”
“That a problem for you?”
“Did my father pick you personally?”
Elliot laughed again, rubbing the arm of his chair. “No. At least, I don’t think so. But I’m aware that your family is, if not religious, Catholic in a way that’s in the blood. I have no idea where you stand on it.”
“I’m a C and E.” I knew he’d know the term for Christmas and Easter Catholics.
“Why bother?”
“It’s nice to touch base twice a year. Jump the hoops. You know, show face. So you’re a priest? Or did you just say no to celibacy?”
“I’m Episcopalian, first off, so celibacy isn’t on the table. And I just haven’t been ordained.”
“Why not?”
“This is really all going to be about me, isn’t it?” he said.
“If you tell me why you’re not ordained, I’ll tell you something dirty I did.”
I felt the weight of my mistake instantly.
He got dead serious. “I know that’s how you’re used to being valued, but that’s not what you’re here for.”
“Sorry,” I said. “It came out before I thought about it.”
“That’s allowed. There was some discussion with the board about whether or not you should have a male therapist, but from what we could understand, it wouldn’t matter.”
“So I got the hardass, unordained priest who knows I’m bisexual.”
“You got the guy with the MDiv and PsyD who spent three years in a hospital chaplaincy in Compton. After that, I go where I’ll do the most good, not where I get the most authority.”
“Ah. Compton. You must have seen some bad shit.”
“Very bad shit.”
“Then why are you at the rich kids’ retreat?”
“I can do good here as well as there.” He wasn’t thrown. Not an inch. I respected that.
“I need you to do some good for me,” I said, feeling suddenly less vulnerable. “I want to go home.”
“To Maundy Street?”
Trick question? Maybe. Deacon was on that private road. Second house to the right. First house on the right, his shibari students. Only house on the left was where the parties were. Where the art was made. Where I surrendered to whomever my master allowed, and my hunger was sated for days at a time.
“I figure I’ll stay with my parents for a few weeks, then decide. I mean, unless the prosecutor decides for me.”
“Will you try to see Deacon?”
“Why?”
“It could be dangerous.”
“Dangerous?”
“I don’t know if it’s safe for you.”
How much longer was this session? Because it would take me that long to describe how fucking off base he was. Despite needing to get the fuck out of Westonwood, despite wanting to appear sane and stable, I couldn’t for the life of me let Elliot Chapman misunderstand my lover.
“I’m more afraid of you than I am of Deacon,” I said. “I’m more afraid of this chair. The sky would fall before he’d hurt me more than I could take. He is the only man, the only person in the world who has made me safe. And I mean, not safe from some boogeyman or earthquakes or random shit happening. I mean I had a place. I had things I had to do. I had rules. He was in control, and the only time things got fucked up was when I disobeyed him because I just had to fly off the fucking handle. And before you ask, and you will, he tied me up good. He gagged me and hit me. He made me cry a hundred times, and he wiped my tears and I thanked him for breaking me. I. Thanked. Him.”