Arsen: a broken love story, стр. 84

The little girl looks up and her gaze lands on me. She looks me straight in the eye and a sense of recognition, of having found myself again, settles in my heart.

We look at each other.

She’s mine.

That little girl is mine.

I know it.

My body begins to move automatically. I need to go to her. To my girls.

As I begin to walk towards them, Catherine says something to Ben which prompts him to rest his hand on her stomach, and both of them smile at each other with so much fucking love. Straining my eyes, I notice for the first time the small bump growing inside Catherine’s body.

With the fight drained out of me, I watch them for a couple more soul shattering minutes being a happy family. I know that I did the right thing that day long ago. I did the right thing by letting her go, just as I’m about to do for a second time.

And it’s tearing me apart once again.

They got their happy ending. That’s the only reason why I can make myself walk away, make myself say goodbye to my girls, even though it kills me that I’m not the reason behind their smiles.

And I will never be.

Fuck.

I can’t.

I turn around and run, run, run, run, run, run…

Once I’m in the middle of Central Park, feeling breathless, I lean against a tree. I need to calm down. Get myself together. I look down at my hands and notice the way they are shaking so fucking bad. I fist them closed and wrap them under my armpits. It doesn’t help. As a matter of fact, it feels as if an earthquake is rolling through my entire body, leaving utter devastation behind.I close my eyes and tilt my head back, going over everything that just happened. Fuck, fuck, fuck.

It hurts so damn much.

He has both my girls.

He has the family that should have fucking been mine.

I fucking hate him.

I hate her.

I hate her for making me fall in love with her.

I hate her for leaving me.

I hate myself for lying to her.

I hate myself because I still fucking love her.

And I hate myself because when I saw that little girl…

I just knew.

She is mine, yet she’s not.

Just like her mother.

I love them both.

And I don’t have them.

He has them.

He has them both.

And I never will.

And it will remain that way even if I have to make sure I die in the process.

Even if it destroys what little is left of me.

He deserves them.

And I don’t.

I don’t.

Fuck.

Fuck

Fuck.

I am broken.

J, my better half, my wonderful husband, thank you so much for putting up with me, my craziness, my obsession with my characters, the ridiculous and never-ending hours I spent writing and ignoring everyone around me. Your love and support were always my constant and without them this book would have never been completed. I love you so much and I’m so blessed to be able to call you mine.

J and M, my beautiful children, you can’t read this yet but I want to thank you both so much for giving mommy the time and space needed to write this book. Play dates and playtime were forsaken but you never resented me for it, if anything you always seemed to understand when mommy said she was busy “working.” Your love, laughs, kisses, and hugs were my inspiration. I love you both so, so much.

Momo, the good sister, you were the first person to ever encourage me to write and put the crazy voices inside my head on paper. I remember I was on my way to NH and we started texting (I wasn’t driving) about S, M, and A, and the rest is history. Your help and support when I needed time to get away and finish Arsen were the best gift you could ever give me. I love you, sis. Always and forever.

Next I would like to thank each and every single person that helped me in creating Arsen—my very special group of BETA readers. Without your help this book would have never been completed. You guys are my own personal rock stars.

Lisa, my critique partner and the yin to my yang (LOL), I remember when I first contacted you through your blog…I wanted you to BETA read my unfinished MS and instead of politely blowing me off, you took your time in talking and explaining to me the entire process of self-publishing. You’ve become one of my best friends and I don’t think I could go a day without talking to you. It is that necessary and important to me. Also, thank you so much for listening to me whine when my characters weren’t talking or behaving the way I wanted them to. Without your guidance some pivotal scenes in the story wouldn’t have been created. Thank you, my dear evil twin.

Amy, AKA as my second brain, and Mint, AKA as my toughest critic, you both were always there to go over the difficult chapters in my manuscript and guide me through them. Maybe you would let me type out my thoughts until they made sense or you would point out something that I couldn’t see. Sometimes I got a “Nah” or “It’s watery” but you were always completely honest with me. Amy, you pointed out where it should be toned down, and Mint, you pointed out where I needed to push the envelope some more. Without your input, maybe the outcome of the book would be different. Thank you so much. Oh, and thank you for the extra read-throughs…You guys didn’t have to do it at all. So thank you for the bottom of my heart.

Melissa S, my Aussie twin, you were the first person to ever read anything I wrote and tell me that I had something worth reading. You encouraged me to keep going and you believed in my characters before I did. And when I was stuck with Cathy, your input and advice were the guiding light I needed to decipher her. Don’t you miss our dear Cathy already?

Melissa E, my accidental BETA, remember what almost happened? I know you do…and I’m glad it never did because now I get to call you my friend. Your friendship and advice are invaluable to me. And yes, you make the best teasers ever. Also, thank you for that second read through. I must’ve driven you crazy…

Megan, what can I say? Do you remember when you told me you didn’t feel Arsen? LOL. Well, thank you so much for being honest. Your invaluable input made me go back during rewrites and try to figure out what was missing. Also, thank you for listening to me go on and on about my characters and my story. Sometimes the conversations could be quite one-sided but you always were there for me. Also, thank you so much for your support!

Natalie, how can I describe how thankful I was when you took the time to go over my manuscript while writing your own? Seriously, your notes were so helpful and they taught me so much. You have no idea how much your help meant to me, and it always will.

Sali, HA! HA! HA! I don’t know where I would be without your guidance. Your experience and advice made it easy for me not to give up when everything seemed impossible. I’m so thankful to Melissa for having introduced us…because you’re not only incredible at what you do but now you are one of my dearest friends.

Beth, thank you so much for the long hours we spent on the phone talking about my plot and trying to untangle parts of the story. Your knowledge in pacing, attention to detail, and overall awesomeness are just a few of the things that make you such a wonderful person. I’m so grateful that we got to work together.

Jessica, I’m sorry your computer broke! Kidding! Seriously, I can’t never thank you enough for helping me out. You know how much you helped me and I can’t wait to work with you again. Can I just add that I’m so glad Lisa introduced us? You are now one of my closest and dearest friends.

Angie, I don’t even know where to start? So maybe I’ll just keep it short and sweet. YOU ROCK.