Arsen: a broken love story, стр. 82

“Ben…I know I don’t deserve you, but can we do it all again? I mean, try again?”

“I don’t know, Cathy. I don’t fucking know.”

“If you can forgive me, if you have it in you to give me a second chance, I will give you every part of me. Every kiss…every tear…every smile. I’m yours. Always have. Always will. I promise you that I won’t ever take you for granted. I promise you that not a day will go by when I won’t do my best to make you as happy as you deserve. I love you. Only you. Please, Ben. Forgive me.”

I pause and swallow my tears. “I know we both have changed, a-and that sometimes love is not enough to make things work. Too much has happened between us…but I have hope. I’m not asking you to marry me, or to even date me. I’m just asking you for the chance to let me back in your life. With Nadia. Let us back, let me love you. Let me earn your trust again. Let me show you how much I love you, even after all this time.” I grab him by the back of his neck, pull him down, and kiss him with my whole soul, my whole heart, my everything. And I kiss for every year, month, week, day, hour, and second without him in my life.

With the kiss coming to an end, I make him look at me and whisper fiercely against his lips, “Miracles are the consequences of daring to believe. And I dare you to believe in us again, Ben. I dare you to.”

But when he doesn’t respond, I have my answer even before he lets go of my waist and pushes me away.

“I’m sorry, Cathy. I can’t do it. I shouldn’t have come here, but I needed to know, and…fuck.” He rubs his hands on his face, wiping some of his tears away. “I forgave you a long time ago, I did, but I don’t think I can ever forget what you did to us. The pain is still fucking there. It’s too late.”

I can’t move.

I can’t breathe.

All I can do is stand there and listen to him telling me what I’ve known all along. That I destroyed us beyond repair, even if I dared myself to hope briefly.

Ben lifts a hand almost as if he wants to touch me again, but changes his mind because he puts his hands in his pockets instead.

“I should go…”

Not being able to answer him, all I can do is nod and watch him turn around and make his way through my living room to the front door, walking away from my life forever.

Just like I knew it would be.

Halfway through, he reaches down and picks up a Rapunzel stuffed doll that is lying on the floor next to some parenting and shoe magazines. “She’s as beautiful as you are,” he says, looking at the doll as he slowly caresses her golden hair.

“I beg your pardon?”

With a rueful smile, he turns to look at me. “She looks just how I dreamed our daughter would so many times before.”

Ben is kneeling down, holding what could be our daughter’s doll in his hand, and telling me that she looks exactly how he imagined she would, yet I have never felt more lost or more heartbroken than now. When I left him in the house that day, I thought I’d lost part of myself, not knowing if there was a Cathy without Ben. And as I stare into my ex-husband’s eyes, I know that there’s no me without him.

But I deserve this.

I deserve to be alone.

Ben is right.

It’s too late for us.

“If you ever need help financially, let me know.” Ben is standing outside my apartment now, looking calmer than before, but I see the sadness in his eyes.

“No. I don’t deserve your help,” I say more forcefully than I intended. “I-I have a job. Amy was able to get me a position at a different hotel.”

“It doesn’t matter. I’d like to hel—”

“No. Please, Ben, don’t say anything else. J-just go. I’m so close to falling apart in front of you. I’m trying so hard to stand here and look at you and not want you,” I whimper as I clutch myself tighter. “I’m trying not to throw myself at your feet and beg you to stay. Please, just go. I’m so sorry for h-how much I hurt you but please, I’m begging you…”

“I understand, Cathy. I’m sorry too.”

And he’s gone.

I know our love is broken past salvation and it is my fault, but watching him walk away from me once more still has the power to destroy me. As I stare at his hunched figure making his way slowly to the elevator, I realize that I’m not sure I’ll be able to heal from this.

I don’t think I can.

I don’t go back to bed.

Instead, I sit on the floor on the same spot where Ben sat a couple hours ago, trying to see if I can still feel the warm imprint of his body, but I feel nothing. There isn’t anything left of him in my apartment.

Nothing.

It is empty.

Just like me.

But then I remember Nadia.

Nadia.

My beautiful Nadia.

She is my will to live.

The only one who matters.

So I stand up, make my way to my bedroom, take a shower, and get ready for the day. I bury the pain deep within me once again, and prepare myself to pretend like nothing ever happened.

There is no other choice.

I have to.

I have to be strong. I’m holding hands with Nadia as we walk to her school in the pouring rain. Like every autumn before, the weather has turned chilly while the leaves begin to fall and cover the asphalt in a sea of orange, brown, and bright red. Listening to the city come alive with the sounds of cars driving over wet pavement and puddles being splashed, I watch as my daughter walks protected in her bright pink raincoat and matching boots. She’s twirling her umbrella and humming, “Rain, rain, go away…”

I’m so entranced by the way her blonde curls are bouncing off her shoulders that I don’t notice the man making his way towards us until I hear him saying my name. Startled, my hand goes to my chest as I peek from under my umbrella at a soaked Ben watching us with so much love.

“Ben?” I ask incredulously.

“Hi,” Ben smiles bashfully as I move forward to shelter him from the rain with my umbrella.

“Um, Momma?”

Upon hearing Nadia speak; Ben looks away from me, focusing on Nadia who is openly studying him with those big green eyes of hers.

“Hi there, pretty girl,” he says huskily.

“Hi. You’re the man Papa didn’t like. You made my momma sad,” she states.

Ben grimaces. “I am, and I’m sorry for that, but I’m here to try to make it all better.”

“Reaaaally? Will you buy her a cupcake? My momma says cupcakes always make a bad day better.”

“If she’ll let me, I’ll buy her as many cupcakes as I possibly can,” Ben says, smiling into my daughter’s eyes.

Nadia seems to be content with his answer because she nods and says, “Momma, don’t be sad anymore. He’s gonna buy you cupcakes now, okay?”

I want to laugh and cry, but instead I tear my gaze away from my daughter and stare at Ben, who’s watching me intensely as rain keeps falling around us.

“Cathy, I can’t make promises. I don’t know anything anymore…so much can happen, so much has. But what I do know is that I want you both in my life. Of that, I’m sure.”

“I understand. Just give me one chance. Just one to make this right.”

I watch Ben as hope is reborn within him. Fear and indecision disappear, clearing the path for our future together.

“There was never a choice for us, was there?” he says as a smile grows on his beautiful face, accentuating the thickness of his lips and the sharp edge of his jaw.

I shake my head and smile as happiness bursts inside me, bringing me to life once more.

“No.”

“Come here,” he says, flashing the same cocky smile I fell in love with the first time I saw him.

About to reach for him with Nadia in my hand, I let myself think of that boy with the aqua-blue fire in his eyes one last time. Silently, I thank him because he’s the reason why I’m standing in front of Ben. He saved me from myself, and in a roundabout way he gave me Ben back. Without his help, and whatever it was we had, I don’t think I would be here. I would probably be dead. I love him and always will because his inner fire brought me back to life. Yes, he was the fire that burned my marriage down to ashes, but in those ashes, hope was reborn.